Feeling Loss and Hope During the Holiday Season

Holidays are magical; for some.  For others, they are a time of heartache and loneliness. And yet for others, such as myself, they are a mixed bag of heartache and the desire for them to be magical once again.  The first two Christmases after we lost our 17 yo son, Tony, to suicide, I couldn’t be “home” for the holiday, it was too hard.  The first Christmas we spent eating a charcuterie board of cheese and crackers, bought at the grocery store just hours before, in a roadside motel in Southern Arizona as we toured around areas of the state we hadn’t seen before.  The second Christmas was a little more festive, in a hotel room at the Oregon coast, we even had a small tree and fixed a “proper” meal.

As a psychiatric nurse practitioner, I hear similar stories from many of the people I work with; themes of loss, sadness, and loneliness that are heightened this time of year. We live in a society that has acculturated the holiday season as a time of family and friend connections that are festive and full of good cheer; this is the standard. In times past this was depicted by Norman Rockwell and Currier & Ives, today we have Hallmark and filtered social media. Even though we may know in our head these portrayals are not reality, we still yearn in our heart for the connectedness, belonging, and time spent with loved ones they portray. For many, the holidays accentuate the loss of loved ones, but for some they also accentuate the absence of connection, belonging, or feeling loved; this is especially true for many individuals affected by or living with serious mental illness.

Losing a loved one through death is permanent, it cannot be undone, that is a loss we carry evermore. But what about feeling connected? What about feeling accepted and like we belong? Connections can be built; acceptance and a sense of belonging can be facilitated. This is what we are working towards at POPI, creating inclusive communities for individuals living with serious mental illness that facilitate meaningful connections and a sense of belonging.  When the holidays roll around, there will be a built-in community to not only help navigate through feelings of loss, sadness, and loneliness but also to experience festive fellowship and times of good cheer.

In reconfiguring what the holidays are going to look like for me moving forward, I am accepting and embracing that they will forever be mingled with sadness and loss.  We are venturing into our fourth Christmas without Tony, and it still hurts. I miss my son and that will never change. This year we will spend Christmas with our one-year-old grandson, and I am hopeful to feel some Christmas magic once again.  I am grateful for the support I have received from being connected to my family and friends; I look forward to passing that support and connection on to others through POPI.

Tracy Sloat